


All This Time - Troyler Oneshot

by morehappythanot (orphan_account)



Category: Troyler - Fandom, troye sivan - Fandom, tyler oakley - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Domestic, Fluff, M/M, Marriage, OneRepublic, all this time, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:36:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6207760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/morehappythanot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All this time Troye was waiting for Tyler.</p><p>Based off the song All This Time by OneRepublic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All This Time - Troyler Oneshot

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of death. Enjoy.

// Six on the second hand, two new year's resolutions  
There's just no question what this man should do  
Take all the time lost, all the days that I cost  
Take what I took and give it back to you //

It was New Year's Eve and another year had passed where I had the most beautiful man in the world by my side, you. In this moment we were just walking around this downtown area and looking at all the lights. I had never really been one for the actual act of celebrating Christmas (you know, being Jewish and all); but seeing your face light up at all the beautiful lights that adorned the city streets may have made me a little partial to wanting to just to see your face like that all the time (or at least for like the month that celebrating Christmas is socially acceptable).

Anyway we had just had dinner at some restaurant that was fancy but not too fancy since you were in a jean jacket and I was in a gray sweater (which you always used to love to steal from me, thanks for that. Okay I didn't really mind that much, you looked pretty hot in my clothes it made me just want t- wait I'm getting off track).

Where was I? Oh yeah we had dinner and were walking around looking at the lights sporadically placed up and down the streets. It was lightly snowing but it was the pretty kind of snow. The kind that is like clumpy and comes down slowly, not like the tiny little snowflakes and giant gusts of wind making your face hurt. It was a little chilly seeing as it was below freezing and all and neither of us had gloves with us ('cause we've always had impeccable planning skills), so we walked hand in hand with our other hand not occupied by each other's stuffed in our pants' pockets.

Even though you were wearing a hat, you still looked really cute with the small amounts of snow gathering atop your head. Your eyes had the prettiest sparkle in them as you stared in awe at the giant display of lights in front of us. Of course your gaze was so wrapped up in the lights you didn't notice how I got lost in observing the curl of your lips and how the soft puffs of air escaping them made almost a smoke effect in front of you and how the snow fell and softly landed on your cheeks that were painted red from the cold air before it melted almost instantaneously from the heat that came from your touch.

"Do you even realize how enrapturing looking at you like this is?" I asked quietly not quite expecting you to pick it up from the music that was blasting from the sports bar behind us. A soft mutter of "shut up" followed by a light shove that wasn't nearly hard enough to actually push me away had been your reaction. I withdrew my hand from my pocket and placed it softly on your cheek, tracing the top of your cheekbone as you subconsciously shifted to standing right in front of me. I leaned down and pressed my lips to yours. There was nothing special about it, we had shared many of the same thing through the few years we had been dating (and even a few before then). We pulled away after a couple seconds and you stood there looking up at me with your beautiful eyes and I swore I fell even more in love with you right there and then then I ever had before.

Which was probably a good thing considering what I had planned for the night. You had no idea what was happening at the time and thank God for that because the look of shock on your face when it played out is still planted in my mind as one of my favourite memories ever of you. But I'll get to that later.

I pressed a soft kiss to your nose before reaching down with my hand that wasn't already entangled with yours and linking our free hands. I looked over at the lights now even though I could still feel your eyes roaming my features. "Hey," I whispered softly resting my forehead against yours and my smile grew as your eyes lightly fell shut as if trying to saturate in the moment for all its worth before you softly replied the same way as I had spoken.

"I love you so much Tyler Oakley, you know that?" those words hung in the air between us, surprisingly not being taken by the wind.

"Why don't you show me that?" you countered opening your eyes once again to look up at me challengingly.

"Not yet," I laughed while pulling away and letting go of your hand so only my right hand and your left hand were still connected and I started pulling you away from our spot where we stood.

"Hey!" you called from behind me. "Troye what's that supposed to mean?" you questioned me with a smirk, you had no fucking clue what was to come and I loved every second of it.

"You'll see," I said quickly placing a kiss to your lips before resuming my dragging of a pouting you down the street. Spotting a bench that surprisingly wasn't taken (seeing as it was New Year's Eve and everyone was downtown), I pulled you over to it with me and you instantly cuddled into my side. I pulled out my phone to see how close it was to being the New Year so we could hopefully head home together and get some rest (I barely slept the night before, I was way too nervous which most likely correlated to how tired I was beginning to be as the night wore on).

Upon clicking the power button I was instantly greeted with the knowledge that it was 11:28pm and a picture of us that I had only made my lock screen earlier in the night. Korey had still been with us at the time (he had later left to go clubbing but not before poking fun at the fact that we no longer had wanted to go clubbing and "do things that people our age should be doing" even though he knew what I had planned) and we were bored and just looking at the giant Christmas tree in the middle of the city. We had him take a few photos but my favourite was the one I was looking at right now. I was stood behind you with my arms wrapped around your shoulders and your hands coming up to rest on my arm and my hand placed over another one of your hands (this makes absolutely no sense in the slightest but you know what picture I'm talking about).

Now that I think about it, it looked oddly like an engagement picture. How ironic, huh Ty?

I put my phone back away and felt around in my pocket a little just to make sure I still had it. I stopped my fumbling when I felt the small box at the bottom of my pocket and smiled a little before withdrawing my hand and using it to pull you closer to me.

"How much longer till midnight I'm starting to get a little tired," you yawned adorably while rubbing your eyes like a golden retriever puppy and I sat there in awe of the pure innocence and beauty radiating off of you in that moment.

"Only about a half an hour left babe," I answered pressing a kiss to the top of your head as you sighed softly in response.

The time passed rather quickly as we walked around the city giggling like children and holding hands and tripping over our own feet and stealing kisses. We eventually ended up on the outskirts of the big celebration that the entire city was actually here for (and you thought you were here for). Which I was thankful for, I didn't want us to be seen by anybody and have the moment be any less ours. Nobody was paying attention to the two guys in the back wrapped in each other's embrace.

I wasn't completely paying attention until you squeezed my hand as you started screaming the ten second countdown with everyone else. It has kind of, more or less over the years, become just a haze of time where I could barely even hear you screaming it right in my ear over my own heartbeat. I was so fucking scared.

"One!" you screamed along with everyone else and I quickly pulled you in for a quick, chaste kiss by placing my left hand on the small of your back and bringing you towards me and with my right hand on your jaw directing your lips to mine. We stayed frozen like that for a few seconds before you tried to deepen it.

"We'll continue that later but I have something to ask you Tilly," I quickly spoke after breaking off our kiss so you didn't think I was just rejecting your advances and I wouldn't want to do anything later.

"Yeah Troye?" you asked a hopeful tone to your voice but a look of cluelessness in your eyes.

"Uh you know how we made our New Year's resolutions last week?" I got out surprisingly well.

"Yeah babe what about them?" you asked tilting your head and once again looking like an adorable golden retriever puppy.

"Well mine was to take more control of the things I want and to go after them more-"

"And mine was to eat healthier seeing as I already work out. Where are you going with this?"

"I-uh have uh, er been thinking a-about this f-for some time n-now and I was kind of-uh," I stuttered out while fumbling my hand around in my pocket trying to dig out the small box.

"You're really cute when you're flustered, you know that?" you said giggling at my foolishness to which I rolled my eyes in response (a habit I swear I only had because of you).

"Shush," I laughed finally calming down after your compliment. "Um so I've been thinking about this for a long time and uh well," I paused to get down on one knee and as I began to present the box you cut me off.

"Yes!" you excitedly screamed, jumping up and down a little (but if I were to ask you about it you would deny it in a heartbeat).

"I haven't even asked you yet," I laughed softly and looking down at the ground for a split second before looking up at your excited and giddy face. You looked like such a child in that moment and I loved every second of it.

"Shut the fuck up and kiss me already Troye Sivan," you demanded making hand motions to try and get me to stand up again.

"How do you know I'm not asking to break up?" I countered refusing to give into your pleas.

"Fine you can ask your question but then you are kissing me," you said making a grumpy face before that plan almost instantly failed and you broke out into another grin.

"Okay, okay," I held up the box and opened it to reveal a small, silver band with a thin line of minute diamonds in the center that continued around the entirety of the ring. The small gasp you emitted in reaction caused my smile to widen a little as I looked up at you with a huge grin on my face before finally speaking, "Tilly will you do me the honor of making me very, very happy and becoming Mathew Tyler Oakley-Mellet and marrying me?"

"Yes!" you practically screamed latching onto my hands that were holding the box with the expensive jewelry in it and pulling me up. I finally gave into your demands and stood up and you took advantage of it by connecting our lips in a kiss as I fumbled to try and actually get the ring on your damn finger. I disconnected our lips and rested my forehead on yours as I looked down to actually slip the ring on you and you continued looking at me in awe.

"You know I really like the sound of Troye Sivan Oakley-Mellet," you teased with a smirk as I finally got the ring on (I was really nervous okay it wasn't like I asked people to marry me everyday).

"Do you now?"

"Mmhmm," you hummed in response and I just smiled before bringing our lips together once again (even though it was barely a kiss since we were both smiling and laughing like we were children again).

// I don't know what day it is, I had to check the paper  
I don't know the city but it isn't home  
You say I'm lucky to love something that loves me  
But I'm torn as I could be wherever I roam //

I lightly picked up your arm as I started to twist my body to sneak out of bed. Placing a pillow back into the place where my torso should've been and putting the comforter back into place. I'm still not entirely sure where we were (all I really knew was that the sheets were clean, and not just because we had sex the night before) considering it was your gift to me that you were going to plan and book the entire vacation but either way it was beautiful.

I quickly brushed my teeth in the small bathroom that was connected to our bedroom to get rid of any foul breath that came with just waking up before setting out to get some coffee. I poured the hot black liquid into one of the small, porcelain mugs the place we were staying at had kept in the cabinet. After adding some sugar and cream I sat down at the table near the window and looked out onto the sand dunes that led to the beach about a hundred feet walks away.

A gentle thud against the door, not one that lasted long enough to be a knock, rang through the small space we had rented out for a week. Abandoning my coffee, I hurriedly went to check as to what the culprit of the noise had been. I opened the door only to find the local newspaper (as well as finding out that the name of the town was Dennis in a place called Cape Cod) that had been thrown at the door sitting on the front step.

Retrieving the small bundle of pages, I went back to my place at the table and began sipping at the now cooling liquid. I began to flip through it, sometimes reading articles that seemed interesting and other times just looking at the small pictures placed throughout. One thing in particular caught my eye and almost had me spitting out my drink.

The date.

"Fuck," I muttered quietly to myself. I hastily grabbed a napkin from the holder and wiped off the few remnants of coffee on my upper lip. I moved to the kitchen and began pulling out random pans and taking a few items that we had picked up from the local grocery store out of the fridge. "How in the hell did I allow myself to lose track of time like this?" angrily I tugged at my hair in a bid to punish myself somehow.

I cooked up some eggs and various other breakfast items that we had decided that we had wanted on our first day here. Upon finishing the cooking, I placed those items onto one of those tray things that I had found in one of the cabinets and tapped my foot softly on the ground as impatience spread through me waiting for the second batch of coffee to finish. When I heard the minute beeping noise I quickly poured out the coffee into cups and prepared yours just the way you like.

After walking into the room and setting the tray onto the dresser I quickly took note of how you had abandoned the pillow and curled into yourself instead. You looked adorable with your face slightly squished against your pillow and a few tufts of hair falling down onto your forehead.

"Tilly," I spoke in a hushed tone not wanting to fright you right as you woke up but wanting to pull you from sleep nonetheless. I repeated the action several times, my voice getting louder with each repetition accompanied with me gently stroking some of the hair out of your face and squeezing your hand that had been peeking out of the covers and resting on the fold of the sheets (I have absolutely no idea what to call it so that will have to do).

A noise of displeasure escaped you as you began to slowly wake up and rub your eyes. I handed you your glasses as you sat up and rested with your back against the pillows. "What can I do the pleasure of being woken up before ten Sivan," you yawned.

"Well first off," I leaned in and placed a swift kiss to your lips, "happy first anniversary babe."

"Happy first anniversary," you whispered keeping the moment fragile as your small smile began to form.

"Second off," I got off the bed where I had been sitting to move towards the dresser and you suddenly became aware of the smell of food lingering in the small bedroom. "I made us breakfast," I finished setting the tray down on your lap before walking around to the other side of the bed and climbing back in under the white sheets.

"Breakfast in bed? How lucky did I have to be to land you as a husband?" you pointed to one of the coffees and looked up at me in a silent question as to whether or not it was yours and nodded. I giggled quietly when you burnt your tongue on the hot liquid.

"The coffee was the last thing to come off so it's still a little hot," I informed you, still giggling as you glared at me quickly before digging into the food and I followed suit.

We had finished eating about twenty minutes ago and I had taken the dishes back to the small kitchen. We were now lying in bed with the blinds half open and the sheets still horribly messed up after not making the bed upon waking up. The light was filtering in on us in rectangles and made us look as though we were striped. I felt like we were little kids again as the innocent touch of your hand running up and down my forearm was tickling me slightly as you traced my veins with your index finger.

"So," I spoke causing you to look up, "I thought maybe we could go shopping and out to dinner, or maybe just order take out and eat here, your choice, and then after that at around half past seven-ish we could go for a walk on the beach. It'll be low tide and give us some more time to roam the beach before sunset."

"Sounds perfect," you smiled before giving me a kiss and getting out of bed to start getting ready.

"Take that back!" you shrieked following a gasp at what I had said. You forcefully shoved me away into the oncoming wave. We were walking about knee deep and weren't too worried about getting wet although neither of us had more than a few spots of water above the waist and still had yet to get our hair wet. That changed though as the wave washed over and coated about half of my torso in the salty water. "Care to rethink you words now Sivan?" you asked with a challenging glint in your eye.

"Definitely not because what I said was true," I'm not even entirely sure what it was we were talking about but for some reason you were all riled up about it and I wanted to push your buttons.

"What's this?" you asked taking a break from your pouting.

"That's a sand dollar and you'll usually see them in brown or that cream color but you should only take ones like that cause if they're brown then that means they're alive," I recited to you while catching back up to walk beside you and taking the sand dollar from your hands to look at it.

"How do you know that?" you asked looking up at me with a slight smile and what I think was astonishment in your eyes.

"Used to go to the beach as a kid a lot I guess," I shrugged dismissing the conversation and handing you back the small creature which you promptly threw back in the ocean.

I don't exactly know what we were talking about or what escalated to this (please excuse that seeing as my memory has become a little bit foggy after all this time). But, what I do remember is we somehow got waist deep in the water and you picked me up and threw me into the water successfully drenching my entire upper body. I, of course, retaliated and after I got my balance, pulled you under the water as the next wave came to aide in how much strength I had to use to pull you down.

"Are we really doing this?" you asked after you came back up with your hair stuck to your forehead. I nodded in confirmation to which you followed up with a quick, "let me put my glasses away before you get them lost in the Atlantic Ocean."

After you got yourself situated we began a back and forth of splashing each other like little kids. Hell, down the stretch of beach a little I think I even saw some kids doing the exact same thing. We continued doing that until the sun began to set and we started in the direction we came in so we wouldn't be stuck in the dark.

We were both completely soaked from head to toe and my previously white shirt was now see-through and blending in with my skin (we might have been at the beach but that didn't mean that I was tan or any less pale either). You were smart and wore a black tee (although you own like thirty of them and I have no idea how you have room in our closet for any other clothes but black tees).

"Woah," your voice was so full of awe and I turned my head away from you to follow your gaze. I was immediately taken back when the sight of the sunset came into my view. The sky itself was a yellowish-gold with a pinkish hint along the horizon line and the few clouds that littered the sky were colored pink creating a breathtaking sight.

"It's beautiful," I responded finally.

"Not as beautiful as you," you spoke barely above a whisper without missing a beat and I felt your gaze shift to my profile and was suddenly even more thankful for the setting sun that disguised the blush that was for sure covering my face in response to your words.

"Do you ever see things like this and just kind of wonder if something like heaven really exists?" I asked randomly trying to change the conversation so I didn't feel as bashful although I actually was wondering.

"Not really," you responded, not even questioning the quick shift in conversation.

"What do you think it is? Is it a concept? A place? An idea? A belief? What's the difference between a safe haven and heaven? Are they the same things? Wh-"

"Babe why don't we worry about this when the time comes," you cut me off bringing me out of my confusing thoughts turned into rambling.

"C'mon," I said tugging on your hand towards where we were staying. "Let's go get washed up, these clothes are starting to bother me," I stated before kissing your temple followed by you nodding in answer.

// All this time we were waiting for each other  
All this time I was waiting for you  
Got all these words, can't waste them on another  
So I'm straightening a straight line running back to you, yeah //

I sat there waiting for you to walk into the room right then and there and tell me that that was really your completely identical twin brother who had died (because that makes so much sense) and not you. I sat there waiting for your hand to feel warm again when I took hold of it. I sat there waiting for your laugh to ring through the air and your smile to make the world around me freeze as I looked at you in awe. But no. I sat there waiting for something that would never cross my path again for as long as I live except for in memories and videos taken over the years that you graced this earth with your presence.

The funeral was supposed to start in about two hours but I had gotten there early to ensure that when I broke (so when I took one look at you laying there because God Ty, I don't think I could've ever dreamed up a sadder sight than the man I loved lying still in a coffin and knowing that that's how it would be for the rest of the time that this planet existed) no one would be around to see.

I pulled over a seat next to your half open coffin (I had opened up just the top half when I arrived) and took your hand in mine. It was cold and your skin was rough and some may have said it was gross but I knew I would never really get to ever again after today. How in the hell will I even get through today? At your wake yesterday one of your aunts came up to me and all she said was "he was a fine young man" and I started crying so much Kayla had to dismiss us from the room and take me to the family bathroom to help me clean up.

I sat there and thought back on all the weird little moments that we had over time that I could think of.

Like when we were back in Cape Cod and I was eating ice cream and you decided it would be a good time to catch me off guard and you pushed me into the water and I got really mad at you because you fucking made me lose my ice cream. Or like that Halloween when we first started dating and you dragged me to a haunted house and I got so scared and made you hold me and you just laughed. Or when we were drunk off our asses and decided then would be a good time to break in our new kitchen and cook. Or when we were drunk (there seems to be a theme here) and we decided to use those Hello Kitty temporary tattoos that Korey bought you as a joke and then afterwards you put on your Twinkie costume (why did you have that costume again?) and we just sat there laughing. Or when we decided one day to paint the office and I tripped over one of the tarps (that you made me put down because of the damn carpet) and when I tried to grab onto your shirt to catch myself I left a giant handprint and we ended up with more paint on each other than on the walls. Or when our flight was delayed and it was two in the morning and we still had another hour and a half and you let me fall asleep on your lap while you watched our stuff. Or when we finally went to Italy like we had been planning for years and it was night and we kissed on the lock bridge over the water. Or when you brought me to San Francisco and we went around sightseeing together.

I looked back on these moments and just sat there and thought. What if? What if a week and a half ago when I brought you to the hospital in the middle of the night nothing was wrong? What if when you went in for surgery a few days ago the doctors didn't fuck up? What if we never had to go to the hospital in the first place? What if it was me who was gone instead of you? Lord knows you deserve to be alive way more than me.

After a while people began trickling in and I had to get up and do things like everyone else to get ready. Seeing as I was your husband, your family decided they wanted me to speak and I was nervous as hell. I already had met most of these people before at our wedding and saw their Christmas cards every year but I still wasn't entirely comfortable with getting up there and talking about how much your life meant to me. Or maybe I wasn't comfortable with the fact that I had to do this at all because it was your funeral for God's sake.

I went around for a little bit straightening everything out. I fixed the chairs that had been messed up (they were moved like an inch away from where they were) and I fixed the flowers surrounding the casket till they were all standing straight up and perfect. I fixed my tie and fixed yours to. I ran a hand through my curly mess of hair and ran my fingers over your hair. Your hair was still as soft as it always was. I straightened everything that could've been straightened (don't you dare even try and make a gay joke here, Oakley). I ran my index finger over the straight lines and bends in your tie from where it was resting on your torso. I ran it over the edges of the lapels on your suit jacket and I ran it over the defined lines on your face. Never in a moment more had I wanted you to just sit up and hug and kiss me because my soul will rest in your embrace and it sucks that the last time I had been graced by your embrace was right before your surgery. Everything was straightened except my mind that was a mess of broken thoughts and yearning for you.

I'm not even sure how much time and small talk had passed before the service started. I was sat next to Kayla in the front row (I was holding her hand and had it in a death grip to try and keep from crying) and Korey was on the other side. My parents and siblings had shown up about a half hour before it began and were sitting in the third row. Your siblings and all of their children filled in the rest of the spaces in between. The main speaker (I had no clue who the person was and still don't) went up and talked for a little bit and then your mom went up. Jackie had tears falling down her face before she even opened her mouth as she talked about you as a child. She adored you so much and I know you adored her too.

A little bit more time passed and more tears were shed and it was my turn to go up after Korey gave his talk. He had kept it light, highlighting some of the funnier stories of your guys' friendship. Kayla gave one last squeeze to my hand before releasing it after I was called up. I had gotten over any stage fright I had long ago but this was a whole new thing. I barely know how I made it up there without tripping over my feet. My palms were beginning to sweat as I pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that I had written and re-written until I deemed it perfect enough. I smoothed out the wrinkles slightly before setting the paper down on the small podium and clearing my throat before I spoke.

"My name is Troye Sivan Oakley-Mellet. If you couldn't tell from my last name, I am Tyler's husband. Tyler, over the years that I've known him, has become not only my life partner but my best friend. The idea of waking up and taking on life without him by my side is not only unfathomable, but has become a harsh reality.

"I knew this day would happen eventually, but I was hoping it was when we were at least well into retirement with a few kids and maybe some grandkids too. And although that never happened, I know he would've been the better father of the two of us," I allowed a small, sad laugh to arise then to try and drown out the sob that was threatening to break through my stony demeanor. "He was the most hardworking man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

"As Kayla, my best friend, would tell you, I fell for Tyler very quickly. I fell for the dorky kid with big glasses and a loud laugh and a huge smile. I fell for the guy who would stop at nothing to show those he loved just how much he loved them. I fell for Mathew Tyler Oakley despite never actually calling him by his first name and usually calling him Ty or Tilly instead. I fell hard and fast and if anyone were to tell me that later on I would have to give a eulogy at his funeral sooner than I would've ever wanted because he died too soon; then I still would've allowed myself to love him and never would've thought that lazy days stuck at home in only our pajamas were a waste of time.

"I don't exactly know where he is. Neither of us were ever very religious so if there is a heaven then there's a very slim chance of us ever getting into it with all of the things we have going against us; but I hope that he's somewhere. Where that is I'm not very sure. All I'm sure of is that I hope it's the most beautiful thing he could've ever witnessed because he deserves nothing but the best and I'd like to believe I gave that to him while he was still alive.

"I'm not sure of much, but I can tell you that the fact that I love Mathew Tyler Oakley-Mellet with all my heart is something I will forever and always be sure of. So to my soulmate, best friend, and undeniably most amazing human being; is it beautiful where you are? Does the sky compare to the blue of your eyes? Are you still laughing as loud as ever because you never truly gave a fuck about what others think? Most importantly do you know that I love you more than anything and anyone and always will?"

Those questions I never really got an answer to but I'm hoping you would've answered yes to all of them, especially the last one. After the service your mom had come up and thanked me. I'm not entirely sure why she was thanking me when she was the one who had given you life, but she did. She told me that the first time she saw you after meeting me that she saw a sparkle in your eye (I don't know if it was the fact that we were at a funeral that made everyone overly sappy and sentimental) that never truly dissipated. She thanked me for making you so happy and I thanked her for having raised a great man.

We went to your grave. They hadn't put the coffin in the ground yet but just seeing it there made me feel things words couldn't describe. I looked at your tombstone. The words "Oakley-Mellet" were written across the top and in the middle "M. Tyler" was written followed after by the years you were alive. I looked at the small dash between the years. That dash represented everything. It represented your childhood, our engagement, our wedding; but it would never actually show all of that. It was just a dash indented on a slab of rock. It didn't show how caring you were or how your eyes would light up when you made someone smile. Only the people who mattered to you actually know how much that little line is worth. There was space underneath that for my name someday. What a calming thought, to rest beside you for the rest of time.

I ran my finger slowly along the side of your casket like I had done earlier with your tie. I ran it over the sharp edge of the tombstone and over the indented words on it. I ran it over the stem of one of the roses that rested on top and accidentally pricked one of my fingers. Still none of it felt real. One last eulogy was given but my eyes were kept on your closed casket covered in flowers as I fiddled around with the band on my finger.

After that all of your family and friends went out to eat. I ordered your favourite meal despite the fact that I didn't even really like it. But it was your favourite and it was something that reminded me of you and that's all I needed. Following the meal everyone left and went their separate ways and I got in my car. I drove to the place we had called home for so many years. I hastily unlocked the front door and once I was inside I allowed myself to break. I leaned against the door as I allowed the sobs to finally break through the dam that I put up all day long in an effort to look strong. That night as I went to bed, I sprayed your pillow with your cologne. I hoped that the smell would calm me but if anything it just reminded me that you were gone. It wasn't the combined smell of your body wash and cologne and minty toothpaste, it was just one part of that.

It's been years and I still sleep on my side of the bed.

// Oh, running back to you  
Oh, running back to you  
Yeah  
Oh, I would travel so far  
I would travel so far  
To get back where you are //

"Are you fucking kidding me? Piece of shit car!" I exclaimed in exhaustion before returning to my angrily kicking directed towards said piece of shit car. All I had wanted was to go see your damn grave that you have to be in for the rest of fucking forever because some doctors fucked up but no, I can't even fucking do that.

I slid down the side of the car on the side opposite the street till I was sitting with my knees against my chest and my head resting against my knees. I ran my hand angrily through my curly hair (you used to tell me how much you loved it after I got out of the shower and in all honesty I've just given up even though I wore it this way even before you died) giving it a few tugs as if to scold myself for allowing this to happen.

I was reminded of, I believe it was, our fourth date. We had become more comfortable in our relationship and had stopped being shy around each other. Our flirty and confident nature from before we started dating had started to come back. I, of course, was running late (something you had gotten way too used to over the time that we had known each other). But, with the new found comfortability you, thankfully, didn't think that I was blowing you off. Instead when you didn't find me waiting outside of my apartment building like I said I would be, you decided to tease me. That's how when I ran out of the building a disheveled mess exactly seven minutes late, I found you leaning against your long gone old car with a smirk and a "is the princess finally ready to leave or does she need some more time to fix her hair?" I hit you lightly on the side of the head before sulking my way to the passenger side.

I went back inside and ordered your favourite takeout food. I sat on the couch and ate it in a bid to try and feel closer to you even though I couldn't go visit your grave like I had wanted. The taste reminded me of a few months after we had moved in here. We were leaning against opposite sides of the couch (we no longer had to be right next to each other every minute) with our feet tangled underneath a blanket with the soft hum of music in the background. You finished your food and got up and pushed the coffee table over in front of the fireplace. I looked up at you in a silent question as I caught your gaze as you turned up the music. You answered me with a small sounding voice and a "I moved the furniture so we could dance." I remember giggling softly at your bashful nature before accepting the hand that you offered allowing you to pull me into the center of the room.

I got up and put on the album that we had danced to that night. I felt an aching in my chest as the notes flooded through the air that once held such happy memories, made me come close to crying.

// All this time we were waiting for each other  
All this time I was waiting for you  
Got all this love, can't waste it on another  
So I'm straightening a straight line running back to you //

Even after all this time I'm still in love with you. I don't think I'll ever not be completely, helplessly in love with you. I've tried dating after your.... passing, but it didn't work. And I guess the reason why was because none of them were you. None of them held my hand quite like you did, none of their lips felt the same on mine as yours did.

My family still has our engagement picture in the living room, and our wedding picture on the wall in the staircase, and the picture from our first date, hung up in the hallway surrounded by the pictures of the rest of my siblings individual families.

You know, I'm an uncle now. Yeah. You would love Sage's daughter. She's exactly as you always wanted your daughter to be one day and she's the most beautiful thing I could've ever laid eyes on.

Sage's daughter is about four and a half and I took her to go pick out her glasses because Sage had to accompany Zac on a business thing and Sage wanted her to get her glasses picked out so they could get them in sooner. The first thing she did when I set her loose to go pick out whatever she wanted, you know what she did? She walked over to this display of glasses and pointed to these thick, black frames. It took me a second to realize why those frames were so familiar, but then it hit me. They were exactly like yours.

"Unc Twoye, I want these ones," Ava said reaching for them with her pudgy fingers. I reached and grabbed them for her before handing them to her, Lord knows I can't put people's glasses on for them to save my life; but you already know that.

"Those look very pretty on you," I crouched down to be eye level with her and tucked her hair behind her ear before asking, "why those ones exactly though?"

"They're the same one Unc Ty had in those pictures, you know the ones at Gram and Gramps house," she spoke so innocently and I knew I couldn't cry in front of her even though I so desperately wanted to. I could've broken right then and there. "You know Unc Twoye those were always my favourite pictures of you, you had a really pretty smile in all of them."

"Your Uncle Ty made me very very happy Ava," I told her with a hint of sadness in my voice but not enough to make her question it.

That night I went to bed with your pillow in my arms and a fresh coating of tears on my face. I longed for the nights that your head would be the one resting on the pillow and not mine, covered in tears thinking about how long I've spent without you. I longed for when the weight of your body resting on my arms was what I felt instead of the almost nonexistent weight of your pillow. I longed for the days that I woke up late on a Sunday and felt around for you in bed only to come up with cold sheets and open my eyes to see your outline. I longed for the days that I would realize that the reason why you were no longer lying in bed with me was because you wanted to make us breakfast.

But most importantly, I longed for you. I longed for the days when I got to touch you and hold you and kiss you and knew that when I called your phone you would answer and pick up and it wouldn't just be your old voicemail because I still pay your phone bill every month because I don't think I could handle the idea of dialing your old number and hearing that the number I had been trying to reach had been disconnected or that it now was owned by someone else. I took comfort in knowing that when I dialed the all too familiar number the sound of "hey it's Tyler, I can't talk right now but I'll try to get back to you soon" followed by the blissful noise of you laughing would come through my phone.

The memory of that day had become hazy but we had just gotten new phones and it was about sometime in the afternoon the day after. We were in some old sweats and t-shirts and were eating a really late lunch to accompany the late time that we had gotten up that morning. You asked me countless times what you should say and when you finally got around to actually recording it, I spilled water on myself and you tried not to laugh and failed as always. You weren't sure if you should try again or just keep it as that and God, am I glad I talked you into keeping it as that. At the time I just couldn't bear the thought of you trying to do it a million more times but only to find one small imperfection about each attempt. At the time I didn't even think that that would be like a life line to me to hold onto on my darkest nights where your passing haunted my every thought and creeped its way into my heart and ripped at the frail seams keeping it together even more.

I lay there sobbing for what seemed like weeks but was likely not much longer than a few hours. I didn't know what to do to make it stop so I fumbled around weakly for my phone somewhere behind me on my side of the bed. I quickly opened up the phone app and was about to start the too familiar process I repeated every time I had one of these episodes before I chose a different course of action.

"Hello?" the tired sounding voice on the other side spoke.

"Hey," I hoped to get more out but my voice cracked and another sob I didn't realize I was holding back came out. It was quiet for a moment before her voice came through again.

"Troye hold still I'll be there as soon as I can." And she was. She still had the key to our place that she made me give to her right after you passed and I was at my absolute worst. I heard the soft sound of the main lock clicking followed by her footsteps squeaking on the floor which made me realize that it was raining softly outside. I heard the lock click again before the sound of her steps became increasing louder.

"Oh Troye..." she trailed off as she crawled in beside me, having already removed her jacket and shoes at the door seemingly. Slowly she pried my fingers off of the pillow that I was still holding against my chest for dear life. When she succeeded in doing that she lifted my skinny frame so that I was leaning into her, seeing as I was too weak in that moment to carry out the action myself.

She ran her fingers soothingly up and down my back as I cried out every painstaking memory that felt like a dagger to my heart and like whatever higher power there was was just playing it back and rewinding it over and over again to get back at me for everything wrong I've done in my life. I thought I had calmed down but at some point in the last minute I had begun crying harder again. "Shush baby it's okay," Kayla whispered in my ear before planting a soft kiss to my hair. All it did was remind me of all those days you left for work and I planted a kiss to the top of you hair as you stood wrapped up in my embrace.

"I miss him a lot too you know," she spoke, her voice timid. I pulled away as much as I had to to be able to look up at her. I was instantly put at ease by the soft, albeit sad, smile that she wore.

"You do?" I croaked out, my voice sounding broken from all of the crying.

"I really do. Sometimes I like to think back on the first time I met him. Remember that? It was your birthday and you guys weren't dating yet but you invited him because you wanted all of us to meet him, and God did you have the biggest crush on him. You never shut up about him," she laughed causing a small string of giggles to follow from me. A smile instantly spread across her face at the sound before she leaned down to place a kiss on my forehead before continuing with the bubbly tone she left off with. "It used to annoy the shit out of me because we never talked about anything else. It was always 'Tyler this' or 'Tyler that' and as much as it annoyed me I was so happy for you. Out of everyone in this entire world who deserves to be that head over heels, you were the most deserving. Under every one of those eye rolls and blank stares as you not-so-subtley brought Tyler up, yet again, in conversation; I was so fucking happy for you." She wasn't looking at me anymore, instead looking off in the distance as if it was telling her exactly what to say. "I was hesitant to meet him, you were so head over heels for him and I was scared that I wouldn't see what you saw or that you were overlooking some giant thing like he was the most sexist piece of shit ever; but no, of course he was perfect because you wouldn't fall for anyone less than that, nor should you. He came up to me a little after I had gotten there and introduced himself. It was so obvious that he wanted to try and make a good impression, his voice was smooth but you could spot the almost terror in that guy's eyes from a mile away. That's when I knew he was perfect for you," she looked back down at me before brushing my hair out of my face. "He warmed up to me after that and I definitely wasn't too keen on the idea of losing time to spend with you, but I knew from that moment that if I had to give up time spent with you to anybody, it would definitely be him." She stopped talking then and looked back at something right in front of her. I took advantage of the momentary silence and curled back into her. The tears had stopped at some point, when? I had no idea, I was so wrapped up in her words as they soothed me back to sanity. She shifted her arm so it rested along the back of my shoulder to accompany the new position and she began to draw small, comforting circles into my shoulder to calm me down.

"Flash forward then, years later, and you guys got married," she drew in a shaky breath and only then did I realize the small strain in her voice. "I had seen you right after you finally got the guts to ask him out and he said yes and I had seen you after your first date and I had seen you at your engagement party; but never had I seen you as completely and utterly happy as you were that day. You made me go with you to get your suit beforehand and I remember how nervous you were that maybe you should've gone with something more traditional looking or that that shade of black wasn't perfect or something that was the most minute thing was going to make him turn around and change his mind. The look of awe on his face, God I knew you were worried for nothing but man was he infatuated with you," she laughed.

"I never showed you this, I was waiting for the perfect time. I almost showed you at the wake and then thought about it again at the funeral but it wasn't the right time," she spoke fumbling around in her pajama pants pocket before retrieving her phone. "Here sit up because I may or may not have snuck a few pictures over the years that you never knew about."

"Oh god Kayla," I groaned, apprehensive about what I was about to see.

"Shush trust me," she reassured before going to some photo keeping app that I guess was holding the photos. She clicked on an album before handing my the phone. I felt tears form and my throat tighten as I looked at the first picture that popped up. She seemed to notice my unease or just knew that I would need her as she cuddled into my side and rested her head on my shoulder as I continued looking through the pictures. "That one was right before I set you loose on your guys' first date. You were so scared, having me check your hair about nineteen times," she laughed as I continued looking at the picture of me staring into the mirror in her bathroom with my hands fumbling around in my hair.

"I was so nervous," I laughed as I recalled the memory.

"Yeah, you were," you could hear the smile in her voice before she leaned up to peck a quick kiss to my cheek, "keep going, there's plenty more." I swiped my thumb across the screen and was greeted with a picture of the both of us. "That picture was a month later and I had you guys over to my apartment and we were having a quiet night in and we were watching some dumb movie and you guys were on the couch and I had the recliner and Tyler fell asleep on top of you. It didn't take much longer after that for you to follow and pass out too. I tried to wake you and ask if you wanted to sleep in my bed but you didn't want to wake Ty and then fell back asleep so I had to scour my apartment to look for some blankets to cover you guys with."

I stared at the picture in awe for a moment longer before flicking to the next one. She didn't speak and just allowed for me to observe the picture for a little bit. We were at some breakfast place and we were smiling at each other and most likely ignoring Kayla, sorry Kayla. Now I see why you were so smitten, did I always look at you like that? Probably I can't think of a moment that I wouldn't be looking at you like that other than the few times that we fought. "You know that some of these pictures could seem a little stalkerish?"

"Yeah okay well I'm your best friend and you can't even deny that you're glad to see these photos." We continued this for a little while; me going through photos and her sometimes giving me her take on them before I stopped at one that stood out.

"Kay, what's this?"

"That would be your wedding day. Me, Sage, and Laurelle had just finished having our way with you and helping you get ready. You wanted me to go with you to see Ty, so of course I didn't say no. That right there is the first time Ty had seen you that day. When I said earlier that he looked at you in awe and that you could tell how infatuated he was I was not kidding. Now go to the next picture," she urged and I was greeted with a similar looking picture of myself. "Korey took that one," she told me as if reading my mind. "I texted him beforehand to see how Ty was getting along and asked him if he could take it."

"I miss Korey," my voice coming out just barely a whisper.

"I know," her hand coming up to play with my hair softly, "you used to always call him Snorey and he used to call you Troye my boy," she laughed softly and I laughed with her in a bid to suppress the feeling that tugged at my heart from the past tense of her words. "He texted me last week asking me how you were doing you know. I didn't really know how to reply so I just told him 'same old, same old' and he understood what I was getting at."

"Hey Kayla?"

"Yeah Troye?"

"I think... I think you can tell him that I'm doing better now," I said taking in another unsteady breath afterwards. She cuddled into me more and we stayed silent for a little while longer before she spoke up.

"How's about when the sun rises we get some Starbucks and go to the cemetery and afterwards we'll do something fun?" she asked tentatively.

"I'd love that."

That's how we ended up at your cemetery at half past eight in the morning in our pajamas. Me with bloodshot eyes, her with a sad smile and a half full coffee. I didn't sleep at all that night and neither did she. At some point she got up and opened the blinds and we watched the rain come down. It was sunny now though and there was a faint rainbow in the sky. I got out the car as soon as it stopped, not waiting for her to kill the engine and ran. I ran as fast as I could until my legs gave out right as I reached your grave. I sat alone in what, if anyone else saw without knowing how non-religious I was, was kind of considered a prayer position. Although instead of sitting with my hands folded together and begging, I sat there with a my face in my hands because there was nothing to beg for.

"M. Tyler Oakley-Mellet," Kayla spoke in a hushed voice behind me, I didn't even know how much longer it had been that I sat there crying but she had caught up now.

I looked up and took in the sad looking tombstone. "He always hated being called Mathew, said it reminded him of when his mom would scold him as a kid," a soft laugh I didn't know I was capable of at that point escaped. Everything seemed to still for a minute, I didn't hear anymore bird chirping and the sun seemed to shine right on us and all I could pay attention to was the sound of my, slowly but surely, evening breaths and the sunlight reflecting off of your tombstone.

"Hey," Kayla spoke breaking me out of my thoughts and reaching a hand down for me to pull myself up with. We both noticed my entirely soaked and, most likely, grass stained pajama pants at the same time and started giggling. "It's gonna be okay, right?" she smiled up at me as she pulled me to her side, "or at least better than those pajamas because I think those are pretty much ruined babe."

"Yeah, I think it's definitely going to okay." For the first time in a long time I think I genuinely smiled, a big toothy, wide smile. I was okay.

That night was when things started being okay again; in half-soaked and grass stained pajama pants accompanied with a night of absolutely no rest and my rock ever since you've been gone by my side. She didn't bring you back but she did help me realize that sure, life is going to be boring, going to work and coming home everyday and not seeing you lying on the couch watching one of your stupid reality television shows that I never got the appeal of; but, I'm going to be living for you. I'm the only one who holds these memories of you that we have together. Sure I have all these sneaky pictures that Kayla has collected over the years (which she has now made into a scrapbook that I have sitting on the shelf) but no one else can remember you the way I can. The vulnerable, shy guy who didn't always know what to say but always knew how to make my heart stop with just a glance. Memories of your laugh have become the only music I want to listen to and memories of your eyes have become the only blue that I will ever deem perfect ever again even as I look out into the ocean it still will never compare to your eyes and how they lit up whenever you smiled.

I sit here now, the scrapbook Kayla made on Shutterfly or whatever the fuck it was in my lap opened to the last page. The picture was from that morning. The morning, you know, yeah. Anyway, you were lying there looking up at me with a smile. I was leaning over the sad excuse for a bed you were on and brushing the hair out of your eyes. I remembered the moment crystal clear. You had asked me how I was feeling even though it should've been the other way around. For God's sake Ty you were rushed to the local hospital in the early hours of the morning. But no, you're the kindest man alive and was wondering how I was coping, so with a soft press of my lips to yours I replied softly "I'm doing lovely, beautiful, how are you feeling?" and you quietly replied saying that you felt a little bit better with the drugs they had given you since we got you here this morning. Kayla (who was obviously there seeing as she was the one who took the picture) was the only one who had shown up so far since your mom had been babysitting some of your nieces and nephews for the night and was most likely trying to make them all breakfast and making sure they didn't destroy her house. Things had been looking up, nothing had seemed malignant and they just had to do a surgery later in the week and some other medical-ly things that made no sense in the slightest to me (and probably you too) but you know how that story ends.

I've always adored that picture more than any of the others in the book. There were a few others from your time in the hospital in there, but this one I adored more than the others. The blissful ignorance of what to come was painted across our faces as we stared at each other and God, I'm sure you think I've told you enough times (although there will never be a limit on how much I can tell you this and you better believe it Tyler Oakley), but your eyes are so damn beautiful. That picture captured one of those moments that I had gotten completely lost in them and I could tell you didn't really care that I wasn't listening to a word you were saying because the moment was uninterrupted and it was ours, not some weird encounter with a nurse who came in to check up on you (which happened multiple times when we were in the middle of making out, oops sorry nurse). Sorry, I just completely lost my train of thought after thinking of making out with you. I should probably quit the rambling now.

Anyway, I've tried to trace different paths into my life with different guys and none of it felt right. It all felt off course like one of those old school arcade games that are frustrating as hell where you have to move the hoop thing over some metal wire or whatever (as you can see I still have such a great use with words as before); but instead of the wire being bent it was perfectly straight and I was the one trying to bend it and each time I tried a weird buzzing noise sounded. The love that I had for you, and will continue to have for you, couldn't be forced onto someone else, or at least that's what I was trying to get at with that perfectly explained analogy. All this time I've waited for you, and I'll continue to do so for all this time ahead of me and for the rest of eternity. I hope that even if there isn't a heaven regardless of what it is, that there is at least somewhere like it. Because an eternity without you Tyler Oakley is like wandering a desolate sahara, absolutely pointless. And you deserve an eternity fit for a king, even if I can no longer provide a life of that on Earth.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: troyehaverly // twitter: domestictroyler


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